"The Sexiest Man Alive:" a play about a couple with mismatched sex drives

By Marty Nemko

Copyright ©2010

by Marty Nemko

510-655-2777, mnemko@comcast.net

Producer/Director: Sue Trigg: 510-842-3046

Running time: While page count is just 64, there is much time-consuming action, so running time, including an intermission, is two hours.

OVERVIEW: Imagine you're a fly on the wall in a honeymoon suite in which the couple has mismatched sex drives. Their efforts to address that give way to exploring all aspects of their marriage: communication, career, money, children, etc. Yet they triumph...sort of. This dramady is The Last of the Red Hot Lovers meets Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf.

CAST OF CHARACTERS

Rick: early 40s, a leading-man film star. Intelligent, kind. Tries to reconcile his Midwest, fundamentalist background with Hollywood's.

Jennifer: mid to late 30s, Rick's wife, more playful and uninhibited. From a hardscrabble background, she appreciates the material.

Luther: 80ish, Rick's father, a fundamentalist minister, alcoholic, with a bigger secret.

Darrell: Sneaky, almost clever.

Ramon: Rick's loyal bodyguard.

TIME: The present.

Playwright's Bio

Of Marty Nemko's screenplay, Affirmative Actions, the London Daily News wrote, "Sure to trigger a bidding war." It didn't. Oscar-nominated producer and director Lionel Chetwynd wrote, "Your script is terrific but needs major talent attached." None would attach. Of his screenplay, The Ugly Club, Lew Hunter, former chair of UCLA's famed screenwriting program wrote, "a $$$onderful script." It never made a dime. So Marty turned his attention to his long-time love, the theatre, where he is an addicted actor, director, and audience member. This is the first of his two completed plays. The other is Shark Soup: getting fired, hired, and giving the finger to Corporate America. His third play, in development, is The Most Hated Man in Berkeley. The Sexiest Man Alive premiers Oct. 8-Oct. 23, 2010 as a joint production of two San Francisco Bay Area Theatre Companies: Diablo Actors Ensemble and Role Players Ensemble. The Chanticleers Theatre production of Same Time Next Year that Marty directed won that theatre company's Best Production and Best Director awards. He is on the Chanticleers Board of Directors. As an actor, his most recent role (August, 2009) was as Peter, the idealistic playwright (appropriate enough) in Moss Hart's Light Up the Sky. Marty also has penned 500+ published articles and five books, including Cool Careers for Dummies, which spent four weeks at #2 on the Wall Street Journal National Business Bestseller List. He was a columnist at the San Francisco Chronicle before going national as Contributing Editor at U.S. News & World Report. He also is the host of Work with Marty Nemko on KALW-FM and the Marty Nemko Program on KGO-AM. He holds a Ph.D. in educational psychology from the University of California, Berkeley and subsequently taught in its graduate school.

ACT I

SCENE 1

It's the honeymoon suite of the Four Seasons-Hollywood Hotel, complete with fireplace (unlighted,) bouquet of red roses, a bottle of champagne and two champagne flutes. A heart-shaped box of chocolates sits between the bed pillows. A water pitcher and a corded phone sit on a table.

There's a loveseat and his-and-her bathrooms, one UR and one UL. At the top of the wall, UC, there's a skylight (or a heating vent with a wide-spaced grid) just large enough for a person to crawl through.

A path of rose petals leads from the entrance door to the bed. Spaced intermittently are three Hershey's Kisses.

(A glowing, JENNIFER, in an expensive wedding gown complete with tiara and a large diamond wedding ring is carried over the threshold by RICK, wearing a standard tuxedo.)

JENNIFER

Just like Hoboken.

RICK

It's not exactly Springfield either.

JENNIFER

We're like a Hollywood script.

RICK

They'd reject it. Too unrealistic. At an movie opening--

JENNIFER

Not just any opening. The opening of Rick Lomax's most anticipated movie--

RICK

Groupie screams,

JENNIFER

Over-age groupie screams--

RICK

Perfectly aged groupie screams, "I took a Greyhound from Jersey to Hollywood just to see you, Rick!

JENNIFER

And Rick doesn't ignore her. Rick stops. And Rick says, "How'd you like to sit next to me?"

RiCK

And here we are!

JENNIFER

Absurd, And wonderful.

(JENNIFER takes Rick's hand, leads him on the petal path toward the bed, and is about to step on the first Hershey's Kiss.)

RICK

Are you about to step on something?

(JENNIFER looks down and picks up the Hershey's Kiss, and unwraps it to read, "I."

She picks up the second Kiss and reads, "Love You."

She picks up the third Kiss and reads it, "Forever.")

JENNIFER

You are the sexiest man alive.

(JENNIFER hugs him. RICK reacts tepidly.)

RICK

Just a nominee.

JENNIFER

Until tomorrow night.

RICK

Lord, I still can't believe I was even nominated.

JENNIFER

Puhleeze. Every time they see you, uh, making love to your co-star, the women are thinking, "I can't believe that in this day and age, a big movie star wants to wait until he's married. Rick Lomax is so romantic!"

RICK

You can take a boy out of Bible Belt but you can't take the Bible Belt out of the boy.

JENNIFER

You've been so, well, gentlemanly that if your religion wasn't so strict, RickyPoo, I might have thought--

RICK

I was gay. Not even if the Bible allowed it.

JENNIFER

(stroking his arm)

You're gonna win tomorrow; I can feel it.

RICK

So, um, what did you decide to wear tomorrow?

JENNIFER

I couldn't decide. So I brought two dresses, two pair of shoes--

(JENNIFER lifts the large suitcase.)

JENNIFER

(Cont'd)

The Noah's Ark of fashion. I'll see what feels right tomorrow and choose.

RICK

Why add pressure to tomorrow, sweetie? Let's pick now.

JENNIFER

Now?

(JENNIFER strokes his arm, and when RICK responds minimally, she lovingly removes two obviously expensive evening gowns: one bawdy, one subtle.)

RICK

Hold them up, would ya?

(JENNIFER holds each against herself then lays them carefully on the bed.)

RICK

Would ya look at that?!...I like understated.

JENNIFER

Ricky-Poo, this is the Sexiest People Alive awards! If I don't wear the sexy one now then when?

RICK

You're right. Try it on, would ya?

(JENNIFER removes her wedding dress to reveal a sexy bustier and a French-maid, sexy thigh-high stockings, for example: www.buy.com/retail/product.asp?sku=207877566&listingid=21880544

DARRELL'S head pops into the skylight to take a photo of Jennifer, and pops away.

Near the top of JENNIFER'S thigh, a large tattoo is covered almost completely with makeup.)

RICK

What's that?

JENNIFER

Uh, nothing. Just a blemish I cover up.

RICK

That's an awfully big blemish. Let me see.

JENNIFER

Maybe later.

RICK

I want to see. I'm you're husband now, ya know.

(JENNIFER turns away but RICK takes her arm so she can't escape.)

RICK

It's a tattoo! Whoa, what is it?

(RICK takes a tissue from the nightstand, dips it in the water pitcher, and wipes away the makeup. It's a tattoo of a stop sign with words inside it: "The buck stops here.")

RICK

What?!

JENNIFER

I was going to tell you.

RICK

Tell me what? Why do you have that there?

JENNIFER

You get that at traffic school.

RICK

Seriously.

JENNIFER

You never told me how you got that scar.

RICK

Don't change the subject. Why does it say, "The buck stops here?"

JENNIFER

Do I really have to tell you?

RICK

Absolutely.

JENNIFER

Well... Remember, after my fourth year at college, the damn school took away all my financial aid?

(RICK nods.)

JENNIFER

(Cont'd)

My parents had nothing and slicing sausage in the campus pizza place for minimum wage wasn't going to cut it. I needed $30,000 more for that fifth year so I could get the stupid piece of paper--a lot of good it's done me. I had a friend who was a dancer and she told me I could make $1,000 a night--

RICK

You don't get $1,000 a night for dancing.

JENNIFER

I danced on a pole.

RICK

You don't get $1,000 for dancing, even on a flagpole.

JENNIFER

Trust me, you do.

RICK

(finally understanding)

Lord have mercy--You were a stripper!

(Shocked, RICK escapes to the bathroom, his angst visible to the audience.)

JENNIFER

An exotic dancer. I was an exotic dancer. I stopped the day I wrote my last check to the college, I swear.

RICK

(Plodding out of the bathroom)

What did you do after you exotic danced?

JENNIFER

Nothing, I swear.

(JENNIFER hugs RICK. He pulls away, then hugs her, looking heavenward.)

RICK

Ya know, sometimes I wonder what I'm doing here in California. Sure my family's Midwestern values are sober, okay, repressive. You betcha. But ya sure this is better?

JENNIFER

It's sure better than what I'm from.

JENNIFER hugs RICK.

RICK

You think being married will change us?

JENNIFER

I don't even know who I am to start with.

RICK

Does anyone?

JENNIFER

You're one of the world's best actors!

RICK

But is that all of who I am?

JENNIFER

Maybe being married will make us both more complete-- making love, making a home together, making children...

RICK

I hope so.

(JENNIFER hugs RICK. Rick starts unpacking. JENNIFER slowly joins in. Onto her bathroom door's hanger, she hangs two bridal nightgowns, one that could have come from Frederick's of Hollywood. She carefully places a 100-page handwritten, dog-eared script on her nightstand. He carefully places a timeworn fine black leather Bible on his nightstand. He surreptitiously drops a blue Viagra pill into his nightstand drawer. She notices his furtive behavior.)

JENNIFER

What are you doing?

RICK

Just seeing if the previous guest left any condoms in the drawer...Actually, I was checking for a Gideon Bible...Hey, let's open those presents that were left by the door.

RICK

(reading the note attached to four ribboned-together boxes)

"Open these tonight."

JENNIFER

Who's it from?

RICK

It's unsigned. Weird.

JENNIFER

What if they're not gifts?

RICK

Well, maybe someone from my movie set saw I'm playing an anti-terrorist and gave us a four-piece set of WMDs.

JENNIFER

It's probably just someone who forgot to give their present.

RICK

But four packages?

(RICK inspects the outside of the packages and finally rips open a shoebox-sized box to reveal an oversized penis-shaped candle. (for example: www.bacheloretteparties.com/giant-penis-candle.html.)

RICK

Would ya look at that?!

(JENNIFER giggles, wrests it from RICK, and lasciviously lights it. Rick forces a smile.

With a flourish, JENNIFER lights the fireplace with the candle.

DARRELL'S head pops into the skylight. He quickly takes a photo of Jennifer lighting the fireplace, and pops away.)

RICK

Ya know, it's quite realistic, except for the size.

JENNIFER

It's not that big. There is something unrealistic about it though.

RICK

What?

JENNIFER

When you light it, it gets soft.

RICK

So you can remold it...maybe even better than the original. (beat)

(JENNIFER grabs another box. This one is two feet long and four inches wide.)

RICK

I hope that's not another penis.

JENNIFER

There are worse things...You know my favorite name for penis?

RICK

What?

JENNIFER

Purple-headed yogurt slinger.

RICK

That's disgusting.

(JENNIFER rips off the wrapping to reveal a poster tube. She opens the tube to reveal "The Periodic Table of Sex Positions." www.amazon.com/Periodic-Table-Sex-24x36-POSTER/dp/B00192V1Z6/ref=sr_1_5?ie=UTF8&s=home-garden&qid=1258690378&sr=1-5)

JENNIFER

Which one first?

RICK

Have you actually done any of those?...How about with your customers?

JENNIFER

Gimme a break!

(JENNIFER hugs him reassuringly. RICK points to the most contorted position and half-heartedly tries to move JENNIFER into it. Giggling, she tries to help but it won't work.

RICK opens the third package. It's a book: "The Big Bang: A Guide to the New Sexual Universe.")

JENNIFER

(opening the book)

What a great gift-giver! I think I'll get some notes from the director.

RICK

I suspect that if they gave Oscars for sex, you'd already have a lifetime achievement award.

(RICK takes the book and opens it to its table of contents.)

RICK

Here are chapter titles: (reading) "Heading South: the art of oral sex. Just Doing It: the ins and outs of intercourse...Running on Empty: coping with low sex drive."

(RICK closes the book.

JENNIFER grabs it and flips through it until she finds something of interest.)

JENNIFER

"Here's to frigging your rigging?" She flips to another page: "Just because you like to be tied up, spanked, and called 'bitch' doesn't mean you're a bad feminist."

RICK

Whatever happened to "Tell your partner what you like and don't like?"

(RICK opens the champagne and pours the two glasses very full.)

RICK

Even winning tomorrow would pale next to knowing we'll be together forever.

(RICK raises his glass.)

RICK

(Cont'd)

To us!

JENNIFER

(raising her glass)

To us.

(JENNIFER sips her drink. RICK downs his.)

JENNIFER

What's wrong?

RICK

The book is just a little weird, that's all.

JENNIFER

It isn't so bad...Mind if I open the last present?

(JENNIFER opens it. It's a pint-sized jar with a note attached.)

JENNIFER

(reading the note)

If you put a penny in every time you have sex your first year of marriage and after that, remove a penny every time you have sex, the jar will never empty.

RICK

Who in the Lord's name would send that?

JENNIFER

So much for great gift-giver. Oh well, ready to start filling the jar?

RICK

Let's change first.

JENNIFER

(disappointed)

Okay.

(They repair to their respective bathrooms.)

[END OF SCENE]

SCENE 2

(The door to each bathroom is open so the audience can see them but RICK and JENNIFER can't see each other. Their actions occur simultaneously.

JENNIFER examines herself in the mirror. She quickly strips to her bra and panties and preens in the mirror. She holds in her gut, sighs, and preens again. She examines her crow's feet, stretches the skin in an attempt to reduce them, fixes her makeup including restoring the makeup on her thigh. She struggles to remove her contact lenses. She presses the less-sexy nightgown against herself in the mirror, then the sexier one and after some deliberation, dons the latter. She pulls down the bodice to reveal maximum cleavage. She smells her underarms, puts perfume in all the right places, and strikes sexy poses while humming "The Stripper." She fixes her makeup and stretches her crow's feet again.)

JENNIFER

(whispering to herself)

Please let him be good.

(JENNIFER sashays out.

RICK slowly strips to his shorts. At the same moment she does, he pulls in his gut and examines his body and sighs. He examines his crow's feet and stretches them in an attempt to reduce them. He struggles to remove his contact lenses. He removes dental floss from his pocket and flosses. Next, he examines the whites of his eyes, He takes his pulse while holding his wrist, his neck, then by reaching into his shorts.

JENNIFER comes out, practicing her sashay, and other sexy moves, including pole dancing on the four-poster-bed's pole.

DARRELL's head pops into the skylight, he takes a photo of Jennifer pole dancing, and pops away.

Meanwhile, RICK, still in the bathroom, does deep knee bends, then gets on his knees and prays:)

RICK

(whispering)

Please, sweet Jesus, let me do it. You can do it. You can do it. Come on Rick, you can do it. God helps those who helps themselves.

(RICK reaches into his shorts and massages himself.)

JENNIFER

What are you doing in there, building the pyramids?

(RICK swaggers out like the leading man he is.)

RICK

Hey, baby.

(JENNIFER slithers to RICK and presses herself against him, licking his neck.

JENNIFER

Just like on the cruise: We were the only people left on the dance floor.

RICK

Hey, let's dance.

JENNIFER

Now?

(RICK plugs his iPhone into the iPod dock on the nightstand. With his lenses out, he struggles to read the screen. He selects "Car Wash.")

JENNIFER

What?!

(RICK giggles. JENNIFER grabs the iPhone and, after struggling to read the screen, switches it to Cyndi Lauper's version of "Time After Time." She starts dirty dancing with him. She gets turned-on, he less-so.)

RICK

Ya ever notice that on the dance floor, women look like they're having an orgasm, men like they're having a rectal exam?

JENNIFER

Except for men who realize dancing is public foreplay.

(RICK kisses JENNIFER and she responds but he's being mechanical while she quickly gets passionate, then raucously so.

DARRELL'S head pops into the skylight, he takes a photo of them at their moment of maximum disparity, and pops away.)

JENNIFER

What's wrong?

RICK

Let's turn out the light, huh?

(JENNIFER turns the light out. The room is now lighted only by the penis candle. RICK starts kissing her again but only she is really getting turned on.)

JENNIFER

What's wrong?

RICK

Nothing.

JENNIFER

Something's wrong.

RICK

Well, sweetie,...ya know, when you move, I feel a little intimidated.

(JENNIFER turns the music off.)

JENNIFER

What?!

RICK

Maybe it's the stress about tomorrow.

JENNIFER

You waited 'til age 43 to lose your virginity, you say you chose me because I'm the hottest woman you ever met, and now when I move, you're intimidated? RickyPoo, I don't understand.

RICK

I guess I just need a little more patience. I am the son of a--

JENNIFER

I know, I know. You're the son of a fundamentalist minister and a damn controlling one. But "The two shall become one flesh!"

RICK

Mark 10:8...My father means well. He loves me, us, very much.

JENNIFER

Your father hates me. Behind that Christian nicey-nicey talk, he wishes I'd go to hell.

RICK

...I read that lots of couples are too tired to do it the first night--and they're not up for Sexiest Man Alive tomorrow.

JENNIFER

(her foot nervously wiggling, unseen by Rick)

I don't really care if we don't do it for five nights, ten nights. To me, you are the sexiest man alive. Really. And I really hope you win.

RICK

Could you love me if we had a bad sex life?

(JENNIFER'S foot wiggles.)

JENNIFER

We are not going to have a bad sex life. Give yourself a break: You grew up with a Bible-thumping father, in a Bible-thumping school, in the Bible-thumping Midwest.

RICK

Plenty Christians thump like bunnies, for heaven's sake. I dunno. Maybe it's because I'm afraid of failing--If I fail at SuperMario, I just press reset.

JENNIFER

Does that fear-of-failure stuff come from your therapist?

RICK

My therapist thinks it's because I lost my brother to testicular cancer.

JENNIFER

He died of testicular cancer?...I just married a guy who waited 'til his wedding night and even now won't have sex--And because his brother died five years ago?

RICK

Are you sure you'd be so hot to trot if your sister died of cancer of the clitoris?

JENNIFER

This makes no sense except to shrinks. I've seen three different ones, each one a (mocking) "shrink's shrink." No more. You gain insight into yourself but your life's no better. They're mainly good at making up excuses for me so I can feel good, relieved of personal responsibility, and keep me writing checks every week to Dr. Freudenstein. Therapy--That's the part of Hollywood you pick up?!...What about Viagra?

RICK

That won't help.

JENNIFER

Why not?

RICK

It doesn't boost sex drive. It just lets you take care of a woman.

JENNIFER

I don't think it just does that.

RICK

That's what it does. And it feels wrong to have to take a powerful drug all the time just so I can perform. You won't even take birth control pills.

JENNIFER

That's different.

RICK

Is it? (beat) Jennifer, Viagra improves circulation. So if it works, it means my problem is poor circulation.

JENNIFER

Is that such a big deal?

RICK

I heard two different doctors say that everything comes down to circulation: heart disease, diabetes, Alzheimer's, maybe even cancer.

JENNIFER

(hugging Rick)

At age 43, you don't have poor circulation. You don't smoke. You keep bragging your BMI is 23. You eat like a Dr. Oz groupie. You exercise like you're trying out for the Olympics. Your parents could still pull a plow....I'm calling my pharmacist friend at the all-night drugstore and have them deliver it. What do you want: Viagra? Cialis? What's the other one?

RICK

Levitra.

JENNIFER

You'll see; it'll help.

(JENNIFER, squinting because her lenses are out, struggles to read the numbers on the corded phone, RICK tries to pull it from her and inadvertently pulls the cord from the wall. She grabs her iPhone, presses one button and stops.)

JENNIFER

Rick, is this worth it?

RICK

For the love of Pete, don't quit before we start.

JENNIFER

It's beginning to feel...

(JENNIFER's foot wiggles.)

RICK

It's not hopeless. I am able to, well, ya know, stir myself up.

JENNIFER

That's something. If you can solo, you should be able to duet....Tell me the truth: Did you marry me because that's what good Christians do? Or to protect your career as "Hollywood's #1 leading man?" Your agent and publicist were thrilled when we got engaged--a neat way to kill those rumors you're gay.

RICK

I love you, Jennifer.

JENNIFER

Like you love Drooper?...Oh my God, why did you name your dog Drooper?

RICK drinks.

RICK

I love your mind, I love your body, and I do love that you're the most uninhibited person I ever met. You can cure me--

JENNIFER

Rick, I am not a sex surrogate...They warn you, "The marriage starts; the sex stops." Will we ever even start?

RICK

Please don't. This is our wedding day.

JENNIFER

Should tomorrow be our annulment day?

[END OF SCeNE]

SCENE 3

(JENNIFER twirls her bridal tiara.)

RICK

(reading from a folded-up Redbook article)

Okay: "The Should You Be Married Test. Directions: On each item, rate your marriage's compatibility: A, B, C, D, or F. Then compare your answers and discuss."

NOTE: A copy of the "Should You Be Married Test?" could be included in the show program and/or on a lobby wall.

JENNIFER

I cannot believe we're doing this on our wedding night.

(JENNIFER flips the tiara onto her bed pillow.)

RICK

Whoa, they really get right to it.

JENNIFER

"The physical relationship," right?

RICK

They're not that subtle: "Sex."

JENNIFER

Let's come back to that one.

RICK

Yah, sure. Item 2: mutual respect. So, think whether we really respect each other. If so, give us an A. If not, lower. Okay, ready?

JENNIFER

(grudgingly)

A.

RICK

Why?

JENNIFER

Well, you're a great actor but you don't have an actor's ego.

RICK

Being a Christian has its benefits.

JENNIFER

You're smart and you're honest...Tell me about me.

RICK

Well, you're smart and you're honest (beat,) you've immersed yourself in writing that play for two years, and now you've started directing plays. Great.

JENNIFER

Please continue.

RICK

You manage to look terrific all the time. I remember stopping in unexpectedly one morning and you could have gone on stage. And they could perform surgery on your kitchen floor--your place always looks like the maid just left.

JENNIFER

She probably did. I don't want to live like my parents do.

RICK

A, definitely.

(JENNIFER removes a piece of lint on RICK'S shirt.)

RICK

(Cont'd)

Next item: "Enjoying each other's company, not including sex." Ready?

(JENNIFER nods.)

RICK

(Cont'd)

I'd give us an A.

JENNIFER

Why?

RICK

Gosh, I get a good feeling every time I see you. We don't run out of things to say to each other.

(RICK takes JENNIFER'S hand. She melts a bit more.)

JENNIFER

You make me laugh but I don't make you laugh much.

RICK

I guess I'm not a laugher. It's weird though. When we're out walking or hiking, I smile more.

JENNIFER

Of course--You're enjoying the outdoors.

RICK

It's not just that.

JENNIFER

(a little mockingly)

You're at one with God's handiwork.

RICK

I think it's also that exercise boosts oxygenation to the brain, which boosts your mood.

JENNIFER

Puhleeze.

RICK

How would you rate our out-of-bed life?

JENNIFER

I guess a B.

RICK

Why not A?

JENNIFER

Well, there's the Mount Kilimanjaro of dishes that's always in your sink--

RICK

(joking)

Well from now on, you'll take care of that. Women's work. Let's see. I like the toilets cleaned every six hours--

JENNIFER

(talking into her iPhone without having dialed:)

Hello operator. Please get me 1-800-Annulment.

RICK

(singing in falsetto)

I am woman, hear me roar.

(JENNIFER throws a pillow at him. That triggers a fun pillow fight. Unnoticed, the tiara falls through the gap between the bed and the headboard.

DARRELL's head pops into the skylight, he takes a photo of Jennifer hitting Rick over the head with a pillow, and pops away.)

RICK

(cont'd, speaking)

Seriously, why else would you rate our out-of-bed-life not excellent?

JENNIFER

Well, when I tell you about a problem, I don't want you to fix me. I just want to be heard.

RICK

Gosh, if there's a solution, why wouldn't you want to hear it?

JENNIFER

Sometimes I just want to get it off my chest. If I want help, I'll ask.

RICK

You rarely do.

JENNIFER

Shouldn't that make you happy? Men complain women are high-maintenance.

RICK

You need to read Men for Dummies: Guys need to feel needed.

JENNIFER

Is it possible guys need to show off?

RICK
Lord, that makes me feel as loved as a library book: Use me and shove me back on the shelf.

JENNIFER

No one wants a libraryful of unasked-for advice.

RICK

A lot of times, ya don't even know you need my help. (demonstrating the following with his fingers:) Like if you had a black widow spider crawling up the back of your blouse and it was approaching your neck, would you want me to think, "Oh well, Jennifer hasn't asked me to solve her problem so I'll let the black widow bite her...

(RICK love-bites JENNIFER's neck. She reacts sensuously.)

RICK
(Cont'd)

...sending her into convulsions followed by death?

JENNIFER

Let's say it was a rattlesnake--and a cobra?

RICK

I'd tie them together with my bare hands.

(JENNIFER melts enough to give him the opening to change the topic.)

RICK

(Cont'd)

Okay. Next one's money. If you think we have very compatible values around money, give us an A. If not--

JENNIFER

I got it...I think we deserve an A.

RICK

Why?

JENNIFER

Well, we haven't fought about money once.

(Rick drinks.)

JENNIFER

What would you rate us?

RICK

I'm not sure.

JENNIFER

Why?

JENNIFER places her hands over the part of her thigh where her tattoo is.

RICK

Well, for example, it kinda bothers me that you usually order expensive wine with dinner even though you admit you can't really taste the difference from Two-Buck Chuck, certainly not enough to justify buying Vin La Frou Frou, Pouilly Fuisse, Private Reserve, 2002 from Napa's Stag's Leap appellation with (sticking his nose into the champagne glass) top notes of berry, midnotes of leather, and a lingering finish of hoo-hah.

JENNIFER

I'm trying to cultivate a taste for the finer things.

RICK

(lifting her nightgown's fabric)

Any more cultivated, you could grow crops.

JENNIFER

Am I not entitled to--

RICK

On my credit card, you buy dresses that could clothe Calcutta.

JENNIFER

You're worth $80 million!

RICK

That's not the point. For instance, my car runs fine. Why should I get rid of it? If for no other reason, it's bad for the environment.

JENNIFER

Do you really give a compost about the environment? And your not buying a car won't affect global warming one millionth of a degree. The whole planet has only gone up less than one degree since 1880! Do you have to keep everything until it reaches antique status? Don't you like nice new things?

RICK

Not really. When I see someone driving a fancy car like a Mercedes, you know what I feel?

JENNIFER

Poor.

RICK

I feel sorry for him. You can buy three Toyotas for the price of a Mercedes and Consumer Reports says Mercedes' break down three times as much. Only an insecure person buys a statusmobile--who feels more worthy because his car has a funny hood ornament. Sizzle, not steak. Emperor, no clothes. Big hat, no cattle. He goes into deep debt doo-doo for a 50-cent ornament. I feel sorry for him.

JENNIFER

Deep debt doo-doo?...I don't want to live like my parents. And I get a rush whenever I buy something, plus it feels good every time I use nice things. And Rick, don't you care at all about your image? You don't want people to think you're a cheapskate. You're Hollywood's leading man, worth $80 million, and you're driving a car they couldn't sell in Tijuana.

RICK

Jeez Louise: I want to be loved for me, not my Schwab statement.

RICK drinks. JENNIFER does too.

JENNIFER

I love you, Rick. I really do...Do you really think I'm a gold digger?

RICK

When a guy has a lot of money, he worries that a woman--especially a woman with no money--sees him as a meal ticket. Is that so crazy?

JENNIFER

Not so crazy but with all the patience I've--

RICK

Is your patience worth millions of dollars?... It bothered me that you cared a lot about the size of the diamond ring: (Imitating her) "Could we see something a little larger, maybe five carats give or take, VS1 clarity, D color?" The stone itself cost a quarter of a million dollars!"

JENNIFER

You could afford hundreds of those!

RICK

What if I told you it bothers me that you've picked a career that pays you less per hour than you could have made at McDonalds?

JENNIFER

If you told me that, I'd tell you you're a jerk--You're worth $80 million and you'd rather I dump the career I love and have me sell extended warranties or something so I can prove I love you? If you were poor, I'd pay for everything.

RICK

But if I were poor, would you have married me? (beat)

JENNIFER

This is the Scottish in you.

RICK

Is this the Jew in you?

JENNIFER

Very interesting, Richard.

RICK

The next item is spirituality.

JENNIFER

Are you sure we're ready to go on to the next item?

RICK

I'm very sure. If you think you and your partner's spiritual beliefs are compatible, give it an A. Okay, what do you think?

(JENNIFER grabs the quiz, crumples it, stomps to the candle and just before she sets it aflame, RICK catches her arm and hugs her.)

RICK

Some couples go through their entire life repressing the issues they really should deal with.

(RICK hugs JENNIFER. She weakens.)

JENNIFER

C.

RICK

I agree. If we didn't get married in a church today, I don't think you'd ever set foot in a place of worship.

JENNIFER

You don't have to go to synagogue to be religious. My community is my synagogue.

RICK

Do you even believe in God?

JENNIFER

Are you sure you do?

RICK

When I look at nature, at the symmetry of it all, that our human bodies work!, doesn't it make you think there must be a God?

JENNIFER

Couldn't it just mean there's a scientific explanation we don't understand yet? Like they used to think maggots got into rotting meat in a sealed jar by magic. Until they invented the microscope, they couldn't see the maggot eggs. Maybe it's that way with nature: We just haven't invented a powerful enough microscope.

RICK

But isn't is safer to believe? If you don't and you're wrong, you could burn in hell for eternity. Seems like cheap insurance. No?

JENNIFER

Would you buy insurance from someone you didn't trust?

RICK

Why can't you trust God?

JENNIFER

How can I trust a God who allows billions of people--including infants, including your brother--to die of cancer or some other horrible disease, screaming in agony for weeks because even morphine won't kill the pain?

RICK

It's true--it hardly cut his pain...But I choose to accept the mystery of evil in exchange for knowing the source of good.

JENNIFER

It's also hard to believe in a God who gave me a husband who could deprive me of a sex life.

(RICK drinks.)

RICK

Maybe this is as good a time as any to get back to sex.

JENNIFER

(lasciviously)

Fine.

RICK

I mean the item on the test.

JENNIFER

I got it...I'm hungry. Let's order in a pizza.

RICK

Now?

JENNIFER

No. Three weeks from Tuesday, 10:47 PM.

RICK

For the love of Pete--za, how can you eat now?...You won't be one of those women who gets skinny for the wedding and then, once she's trapped her man, becomes as big as a zip code?

JENNIFER

I trapped you?

RICK

I didn't mean you.

JENNIFER

Yes you did.

RICK
Well, ya know, you were the one pushing us to get married.

JENNIFER

Annulment is sounding better by the minute...

RICK

(looking at the quiz)

Why don't we do children first, then sex?

JENNIFER

Last I checked, it works the other way around.

RICK

Stop. Okay. How would you grade the compatibility of our views on kids?

JENNIFER

(grudgingly)

A.

RICK

Praise the Lord. Why?

JENNIFER

Well, you don’t believe in corporal punishment, do you?

RICK

Not as a rule.

JENNIFER

What would be an exception?

RICK

Well, if you told him ten times to clean his room and his underwear was still all over the floor--

JENNIFER

Sounds like your place. Would spanking you help?

RICK

Who knows?

(JENNIFER moves her arm in the position to spank RICK. DARRELL's head pops into the skylight, takes a picture, and pops away.)

RICK

Still thinking you want two kids?

JENNIFER

Minimum. I was an only child.

RICK

You know, raising kids isn't as easy as people make you think.

JENNIFER

You said you were okay with two. Once, you even said you wanted two.

RICK

For goodness sakes, can't a person have second thoughts?

JENNIFER

Not about something as important as this. Not after we're married!

RICK

You sound like a redneck: “I stick to mah guns and ah am darn proud a that.”

(JENNIFER escapes to the bathroom and hyperventilates.)

JENNIFER

I give us an F on kids.

RICK

And I guess we get an F on the only item left.

JENNIFER

Let me guess.

(JENNIFER plods out of the bathroom.)

JENNIFER

(Cont'd)

You knew I'm not exactly asexual. Why did you pick me? Plenty women would love a guy who doesn't bang at her door every night.

RICK

Don’t women today expect performance on-demand?

JENNIFER

Is it too much to ask for some interest on our wedding night? When we were dating, I saw that you were, well, not a big responder, but I figured that was just your religion talking and I could change you.

RICK

What about "You can refine but not remold?"

(RICK tries to restore the bent-over, melting candle to its former upright glory, failing of course.

JENNIFER bawdily splays herself over him. He grimaces.

DARRELL's head pops into the skylight, he takes a photo of Rick's reaction to her, and pops away.)

JENNIFER

Do I really have to repress myself? Remember when I said I don't know who I am? One thing I know: My sexuality is so core to me...Is this some sort of macho thing--you need to be the boss?

RICK

Not consciously...I feel terrible, Jennifer.

JENNIFER

Maybe you should. When you agreed to marry me, that’s different than agreeing to be my pal. We’re supposed to take care of each others’ sexual needs, for the rest of our lives. Sex is important. I love it. It's maybe the thing I do best. If you have no interest, what am I supposed to do: become a nun? Have affairs?

RICK

...I might be relieved if you did...You know my biggest fear about your having an affair? Not the sex. That you'd fall in love with him and leave me.

JENNIFER

Have you ever been turned on by a woman?

RICK

There was a woman.

JENNIFER

You’re 43 years old. Just one?

RICK

Yeah.

JENNIFER

Well, what happened with her?

RICK

We fooled around a little, that’s all.

JENNIFER

Rick, are you gay?

RICK

Ya know, I almost wish I were. At least I’d be turned on by somebody. Besides, today, being gay gets you brownie points.

JENNIFER

Maybe you should try it?

RICK

Headline: Nominee for Sexiest Man Alive does men...Dresses in skirts...Has sex change operation...Do you really think I might be gay? I'm not. I really think I'm not.

JENNIFER

Well, you can perform acapella and you're not gay; that's a start. So what are we going to do? In your whole life, you were only attracted to one woman, just “fooled around a little,” and now, on your wedding night to the woman you say turns you on the most, instead of busting to end your 43-year virginity, you want to take a marriage quiz from Redbook?!

(RICK drinks.)

RICK

I'm not a virgin.

JENNIFER

What?

RICK

Times about 15.

JENNIFER

What?! With that woman?

RICK

About a dozen.

JENNIFER

That’s basically a dozen one-night stands! You weren’t looking for Ms. Right, you were looking for Ms. Right Now, Ms. Right for Tonight!

RICK

I kept searching for a woman I wouldn’t lose interest in after the first time or two but each woman turned me on less and less and now, with you, I seem to have no--

JENNIFER

You had low sex drive to start with and now you dump your dead self on me?!

RICK

I'm not just a penis!

(They drink.)

JENNIFER

When you didn’t show interest in me, I found a man who did.

RICK

When did you stop?

JENNIFER

Two nights ago.

RICK

I knew.

JENNIFER

How?!

RICK

One night, you left your email open. When you went to the bathroom, I scanned the subject lines in your sent file: “I can smell you, still." ”Rick will be late. Come over now, please!” “My rose is waiting to unfurl for you!”

JENNIFER

When you constantly ignore me, you expect me, at my peak, to act like a dried-up, old crone?!

RICK

I’m sorry. I’m sorry! I’m sorry!!

(The door unlocks. LUTHER storms in, very drunk.)

LUTHER

You bitch!

JENNIFER

You're eavesdropping on us?!!

RICK

How did you get a key?!

LUTHER

You think a clerk will say no when I tell her I’m Pastor Luther Lomax, Rick Lomax's father, and that I need to deliver one more wedding present? And that security guard is an idiot--I just said "I'm delivering a present" and he said, "Okay."

JENNIFER

What a hypocrite: You're supposed to be a man of the cloth, a model of Christian love, and on my wedding night, you lie your way up here to eavesdrop and to curse me, blame me?! Who are you to talk? You preached, “Fornicate and you’ll burn in hell!" and made my husband a castrati!

RICK

I am not a castrati!

LUTHER

I may have preached that on the pulpit--that’s what the Church makes us do--but, for the love of Pete, I never preached that to my children. Richard's problem was beyond what I could fix.

JENNIFER

Fix? What give you the right to--

LUTHER

Here's what gives me the right...I had the same problem.

RICK

You did?!

LUTHER

Richard, you think your mother left me because of the booze?

RICK

No?

LUTHER

Your mother left me because I never wanted to be with her. I’d rather prepare a sermon, watch a game, play with the dog. I drank more and more until she left. Then I had a few relationships, even one with a parishioner. Two actually--there was that boy.

RICK & JENNIFER

What?!!

LUTHER

Then it was platonic mistresses. Then I stopped even that. It all just wasn't worth the bother. Do you know what it's like to know you'll never have sex again for the rest of your life? I can't even comfort myself by saying, "Well, I had a good sex life when I was young." I never had one. (to Rick:) And I always knew you inherited my problem.

RICK

What?!

LUTHER

Because I always had the problem, I was curious, real curious to see if you would. So starting around when you were 13, I checked your sheets--

RICK

No!

LUTHER

(Cont'd)

You almost never had a wet dream. When you went into the bathroom, especially at night, I'd put my ear to the door and you almost never bopped off.

RICK & JENNIFER

(overlapping)

How dare you! You sonofabitch!, You scum!, etc.

LUTHER

You didn't go on many dates and when you brought your girlfriends over, I could tell there wasn't much juice there. Not enough to even think about emptying the ol' penny jar.

RICK

You gave us that?!

LUTHER

The jar, the pecker candle, the sex book, and that very educational poster.

JENNIFER

Why?!

LUTHER

For your own good.

JENNIFER

What do you mean?!

LUTHER

I picked out the items that would make Richard as uncomfortable as possible so you'd need to deal with his problem right away. Then I'd eavesdrop and come in the middle of your fight and beg you to annul the marriage like you should.

RICK

If you wanted to help us, why not before we got married?

LUTHER

For the love of God, I did try. I kept trying!! Each time, you made it clear you didn't want to hear it. Isn't that right, Richard? Isn't it?!

RICK

I guess.

LUTHER

My last hope was that you'd figure out it wouldn't work. But when I saw you get married today, seeing it final, the Lord told me I had to do something more.

JENNIFER

On our wedding night?!

LUTHER

It had to be. My oh-so romantic son didn't have you sign one of those--what do you call them--prenuptial agreements, so unless the marriage gets annulled and fast, this law kicks in--I think they call it communion property or something--and you'd get millions of dollars, half the money my son has worked so hard for, so long for. Millions of dollars, for goodness sakes!

JENNIFER

So you've ruined our wedding night, our marriage, for money?! You monster!!

(LUTHER takes a slug of champagne.)

RICK

Father, I am not preordained to recapitulate your life.

LUTHER

Big words but you’re wrong.

JENNIFER

I should leave.

LUTHER

I think that’s wise.

(RICK paces)

RICK

...So do I. Before you do, Jennifer, can I be completely honest with you?

JENNIFER

No!!

(JENNIFER fires her belongings into her suitcase and heads for the door. RICK blocks the door.)

RICK

I want you to think about this every time you think of we men as just sex machines:--

JENNIFER

I don’t need a man to be my sex machine. I have a vibrator: three, and two are pretty much worn out.

(LUTHER takes another slug.)

RICK

Do you not understand that millions of men are taking Viagra--getting the headache from hell--just so they can service their woman?!

(LUTHER takes another slug.)

JENNIFER

And do you know how many men use women as a sperm receptacle, as a basketball hoop expected to be ever-ready whenever they feel like shooting?

(LUTHER takes another slug.)

RICK

And do you know how many men simmer in anger, just below the boiling point, as they give the best hours of their days and the best years of their lives as wage slaves on whatever job it takes to support their family: from sewer replacer to roofer, pest remover to widget salesman complete with fire-breathing boss screaming, “Make your number or you’re gone!” while wifey insists on some la-la low-pay or no-pay so-called job like writing plays part-time, or decides she’d rather be a play-at-home housewife forcing the husband she claims to love to be a beast of burden until he drops? And he does drop--there are four widows for every widower. Four widows for every widower! I don’t need a woman who sees me as an ATM machine.

JENNIFER

You're not a pest remover! You've gotten $80 million for playing make-believe!

RICK

And you're getting to play director of make-believe, which you couldn't if I weren't your ATM. What does it feel like to be a parasite?

JENNIFER

I don't need your money. I made $2,000 a night--

RICK

You were a prostitute!

JENNIFER

And what would be wrong with that? Prostitution is more honorable than how most men make their money. Look at the security guard, CEOs, your Jim Bakker/Ted Haggard father--

(LUTHER finishes the bottle.)

JENNIFER

Look at you, preacher's boy: You married me just so people wouldn't think that Mr. Romantic Lead is Mr. Asexual!

RICK

No!!! If you can't get me to become a human vibrator, you'll use my guilt to control me?: To make me buy you crap no one needs: a silly, ostentatious house; silly, ostentatious clothes, and silly, ostentatious jewelry so you can look like, live like all the other Hollywood Barbies?--

JENNIFER

You'd have me looking like a pauper--

RICK

You'll use my guilt to make me have kids--18 years of raising children whether I want them or not. Or you'll divorce me, and after you've milked my guilt for all it's worth to extort millions out of me, you'll find some shark lawyer to rip even more out of me. And after you're set up for life, you'll dance off and find a guy, or 20 guys, to fuck your brains out!

JENNIFER

I had to rent my body to graduate from college. Is there anything wrong now with wanting someone to make my life just a little easier, to give me a normal sex life, and children, just like normal people?

(JENNIFER paces.)

JENNIFER

(Cont'd, (waving two tickets in his face)

Tomorrow night, if you win, I am going to announce that the "Sexiest Men Alive" is a eunuch."

(RICK and LUTHER shrink. DARRELL's head pops into the skylight, he takes a photo of Jennifer waving the tickets in Rick's face, and pops away.

JENNIFER uses the candle to set RICK'S Bible aflame. He dumps half the water pitcher on her crotch. Meanwhile, LUTHER dips the Bible into the pitcher, tosses the dripping Bible under the bed, grabs her script, sets it aflame, hands it to her, and plods out.)

NOTE: Beautiful leatherette-bound Bibles can be bought for just $3.50 each, including shipping: http://biblesbythecase.com/0310941334.html

JENNIFER

No!!

(RICK extinguishes the burning Bible with the water. He holds it out to JENNIFER. She holds her end of it and they look at each other.

JENNIFER hugs RICK, then pulls away.

JENNIFER curls up in fetal position on the bed, facing her edge of the bed.

RICK comes to bed to hug her but she pushes him away.

RICK retrieves a stuffed basset hound from his suitcase, (example: www.amazon.com/Aurora-Plush-Scruff-Honey-Flopsie/dp/B000E7S48E/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=toys-and-games&qid=1261343962&sr=1-1), climbs into bed, and curls into fetal position, facing the opposite side of the bed, hugging it.

DARRELL's head pops into the skylight, he takes a photo of Jennifer and Rick in that position, and pops away.)

[END OF ACT]

ACT II

SCENE 1

(JENNIFER, RICK, AND LUTHER are in the audience at the Awards ceremony. NOTE: This can be accomplished without a set change:UL, they sit in seats, ideally theatre-style seats. Rick wears a tuxedo, Jennifer wears the sexier of the two dresses and shoes--the look is a bit much. Luther wears a drab suit. A podium is DC.

RICK sneers at JENNIFER'S dress.)

RICK

(droll)

You look remarkable.

LUTHER

You look lovely, Jennifer.

JENNIFER leaps to leave.

CommerCIAL ANNOUNCER (V.O.)

(the commercial's jingle plays underneath and fades as the speech ends.)

American Express: Make life rewarding.

(the applause of a very large audience.)

ROXY [V.O.], (proud of how very gay he is)

Welcome back to People Magazine’s Sexiest People Alive Awards,

(Roxy's voice stops JENNIFER and she slumps back into her seat.)

ROXY (V.O.)

(Cont'd)

brought to you by Rolex—-official watch of the Sexiest People Alive show.

JENNIFER

(to Rick, whispering loudly, like she wants to be overheard)

Think a Rolex would help you?

RICK

(whispering to Luther)

Why does an award ceremony need an official watch?

ROXY (V.O.)

By Calvin Klein: Who knows what she or he has underneath?

JENNIFER

(whispering too loudly)

A limp dick.

ROXY (V.O.)

And by Hummer, the car for big guys. Yum, yum.

JENNIFER

(whispering too loudly)

Sure you don't want to try Roxy?

ROXY (V.O.)

And now, for our final award of the evening: Who is the Sexiest Man Alive?

(Timpani roll)

ROXY (V.O.)

(Cont'd)

The nominees are: Darnell Hunt (modest applause) Julio Gonssssales (modest applause), Vince Ferrari (modest applause, and Rick Lomax (raucous applause.) This envelope has been blessed by the Lord High Accountants of Price Waterhouse Coopers, Dewey, Cheatham, and Howe. Why we need a la-de-dah accounting firm to see there's a name in the envelope, I don’t know—I would have done it for free, well maybe for a kiss from Mr. Price--or Mr. Waterhouse. Okay, this year's Sexiest Man Alive is...Rick Lomax! Rick The Stick Lomax! People magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive!

(Rick sits aghast.)

ROXY (V.O.)

(Cont'd)

Hey Rick Lomax! It's you! Come on down! Whoops, wrong show. Hey Rick, you just got married yesterday--Why isn't gay marriage legal in all 50 states?-- Oops, I'm not supposed to be too political. Rick, why don’t you bring your lovely bride here with you!

(JENNIFER strides toward the podium. RICK hesitates, then trudges there.)

ROXY (V.O.)

What a get-up, I mean ensemble! Oh that fabric, ooh that line. And oh what fragrance--Sooooh potent!

(JENNIFER stands beside RICK, close to the microphone, resolute.)

RICK

(into the podium microphone)

I really don’t know what to say.

(RICK looks down at his feet. JENNIFER grabs the award from his hands and clears her throat, readying to speak. Through the following speech up to the words "sex drive," she makes moves suggesting she's about to interrupt him.)

RICK

(Cont'd)

I really don’t... I guess, okay, well...

(RICK pulls note cards from his pocket.)

RICK

(Cont'd, reading from the note cards)

First, I want to thank the woman who has inspired me, who has made this possible, the glow of my existence, the woman I vowed just yesterday to love, honor, and cherish for the rest of my life, my wife and my vote for sexiest woman alive: Jennif--

(RICK bursts into tears and tears up his note cards. JENNIFER glares threateningly at Rick. She reaches for the microphone and Rick blocks her path.)

RICK

(Cont'd)

...When I said I don’t know what to say, I mean it...Last night was my wedding night and it, well, it confirmed what I have long feared. You know, there aren’t a lot of sex taboos any more. I mean, you can say you’re gay or lesbian, you can be into S&M; no one bats an eye. Make a movie celebrating transsexuals--you've got a hit: M Butterfly, The Crying Game, The Bird Cage, Transamerica... But there is one sex taboo, one sex thing you can't talk about. I need to talk about it. And just maybe this is the best time to do it, I don't know. Jennifer and I have discussed it and I know she...expects it will be discussed.

(JENNIFER smirks.)

RICK

(Cont'd)

I do know I need to tell you that your choice for “Sexiest Man Alive"—I mean, you couldn’t know this but--

(The orchestra plays "It's-time-to-finish-your-speech" music. He holds his hand up to the orchestra and it eventually stops.)

RICK

(Cont'd)

...your choice for Sexiest Man Alive, actually has…low sex drive.(the audience murmurs. Jennifer bows her head.)… I don’t know if it was my religious upbringing, or that I lost my brother to cancer—-it was testicular cancer--or just that I'm an old-fashioned guy and today women expect to be, well, on top, I mean they have the right to a fulfilling sex life. Or maybe I just have physically low sex drive, like some people are tall, others are short. Maybe it’s a combination. Or maybe it's a rare disease. Most guys talk about how much sex they’re getting, or if they’re not, how badly they want it. I never heard a guy say, “I don't care about sex.” I don't know how unusual I am. I do know I cannot accept this award.

(RICK takes the award from JENNIFER, lays it on the podium, and starts off the stage.

LUTHER stands.)

LUTHER

I also have low sex drive.

A MIDDLE-AGED MALE VOICE FROM THE AUDIENCE (V.O)

I have low sex drive.

AN OLD MALE VOICE FROM THE AUDIENCE (V.O)

Me too.

A 20-YEAR-OLD MALE VOICE FROM THE AUDIENCE (V.O)

Me too.

(There is a slow but increasing rate of voices of all ages saying “Me too” until dozens have said it. One person starts clapping and the applause builds until most of the audience is applauding.

JENNIFER pushes herself in front of the microphone.)

JENNIFER

I need to say something. I need to say that I am sad-- actually I'm angry--and scared--about having to deal with this...But when I see Rick willing give up the Sexiest Man Alive award, willing to ruin his career, I mean, no one will cast him as a leading man—-Everyone in the audience would think, “Romantic lead? He doesn't care about sex!” When I think that I married a man of that integrity, and talent, and kindness...and if I make myself grow up and remember that love is much more than just about lust, who knows? I may just be the luckiest woman alive.

(JENNIFER embraces RICK, and he embraces her powerfully, whereupon the audience applauds, building to an ovation. The orchestra plays "You Light Up My Life" as "get-off-the-stage" music,” whereupon she, arm around his waist, shepherds him back to their seats. LUTHER hugs RICK, then JENNIFER. She hesitates but returns the hug.)

[END OF SCENE]

SCENE 2

(DARRELL climbs through the skylight and takes photos of the sexual positions chart, the sex book, and the penis candle. He hears the sound of RICK, JENNIFER, and LUTHER approaching. Darrell hides under the bed.

RICK carries JENNIFER over the threshold. LUTHER follows.)

LUTHER

This is very Christian of you.

RICK

I am your child.

LUTHER

Where's that Bible? I forgot what I did with it after I baptized it.

(LUTHER looks around but can't find it.)

LUTHER

(Cont'd)

Oh well, I don't need it. Okay, stand before me.

JENNIFER

Let me find my tiara.

(JENNIFER searches but doesn't find it. She joins RICK before LUTHER, as a to-be-married couple stand before a minister.)

LUTHER

Do you Richard Lomax, in the name of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, take Jennifer Samuels to be your lawfully wedded wife, for richer and poorer, in sickness and in health, and despite the frustrations that exist in all marriages, so help you God?

RICK

I do.

LUTHER

And do you, Jennifer Samuels, in the name of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ--

JENNIFER

Is that fair?

LUTHER

...And do you, Jennifer Samuels...take my son, Richard Lomax, my only living son, who adds so much meaning, no, who is the meaning of my life, to be your lawfully wedded husband, for richer and poorer..., in sickness and in health, and despite the frustrations that exist in all marriages, so help you God?

JENNIFER

I do.

LUTHER

Then, by the powers vested in me by the State of California, the Southern Baptist Convention, and People magazine, I now pronounce you, once again, man and wife. You may kiss the bride.

(RICK kisses JENNIFER and he pulls her down onto the bed.)

RICK

And you may now leave, oh representative of People magazine.

(LUTHER reaches down to take RICK'S and then JENNIFER's hand.)

LUTHER

I will try to do better.

(LUTHER trudges toward the door. Just before reaching it, he turns around.)

LUTHER

I really would like to find that Bible. It's important to me that you have it.

(They search high and low and finally look under the bed and find it and DARRELL, in a security guard uniform, holding his camera.)

RICK

What the hell?

LUTHER

Heck.

RICK AND JENNIFER

Hell!

LUTHER

Hell.

DARRELL

Uh, I’m actually a, uh, reporter for the National Enquirer. We tried to get a story about your wedding but, uh, your agent wouldn’t let me talk to you so---

(From behind, LUTHER grabs the camera and dunks it in the water pitcher.)

LUTHER

I’ve never performed a wedding, baptism, and condemnation in three minutes. Canon camera, you are hereby baptized...and condemned to hell for eternity!

(LUTHER throws the dripping camera into the fireplace.)

DARRELL

This was my big chance!

(RICK, JENNIFER, AND LUTHER throw Darrell out the door. As he's leaving:)

DARRELL

I just love your outfit, Jennifer. Especially the shoes.

JENNIFER

Hey, wait a minute. I know you.

Darrell

No you don't.

JENNIFER

Yes, I do. I know that face...You sonofabitch! You were a customer. You were that guy who kept taking pictures of me while I was dancing!

DARRELL

...You're so sexy.

(LUTHER, wide-eyed, exchanges a look with JENNIFER.)

DARRELL

(Cont'd)

Please don't call the police! I swear I'll never bother you again. I'll lose my job. I'll never work again. My wife will leave me. I won't be able to support my kids!

RICK

You should have thought about that in the first place. You expect me to save your marriage after you...You cannot go around taking pictures of people like that!

LUTHER

Is there room for a little Christian charity here?

JENNIFER

(to Darrell)

Do you swear I'll never see your face again?

DARRELL

I swear!

RICK

And no more candid camera?

DARRELL

No more. Never, I swear!

(JENNIFER rolls her eyes and smiles in assent. DARRELL approaches her, about to hug her in thanks but in pushing him away, Jennifer is startled.

JENNIFER

(pointing to Darrell's chest.)

Hey, what do you have in there?

(JENNIFER pulls a pocket cassette recorder from DARRELL'S pocket. She presses "play" and they hear a recording of things said earlier:

RICK

I'm gay. (sound of an editing click)

RICK

You were a stripper!

JENNIFER

An exotic dancer. (sound of an editing click)

RICK

"Our Father created woman to be man's helper. It is my desire and delight that you follow this scriptural teaching." (sound of an editing click)

RICK

I suspect that if they gave Oscars for sex, you'd already have a lifetime achievement award. (sound of an editing click)

JENNIFER

It's beginning to feel--

RICK

It's not hopeless. I am able to, well, stir myself up. (sound of an editing click)

RICK

I like the toilets cleaned every six hours. (sound of an editing click)

JENNIFER

It's the Scottish in you.

RICK

Is it the Jew in you? (sound of an editing click)

JENNIFER

If you have no interest, what am I supposed to do: become a nun? Have affairs?

RICK

I might be relieved if you did. (sound of an editing click)

RICK

Headline: Nominee for Sexiest Man Alive does men...Dresses in skirts...Has sex change operation. (sound of an editing click)

JENNIFER

Instead of busting to end your 43-year virginity, you want to take a Redbook marriage quiz?! (sound of an editing click)

LUTHER

Starting around when you were 13, I checked your sheets--you almost never had a wet dream. When you went into the bathroom, especially at night, I'd put my ear to the door and you almost never bopped off. You didn't go on many dates and when you brought your girlfriends over, I could tell there wasn't much juice there. (sound of an editing click)

JENNIFER

I don't need your money. I made $2,000 a night.

RICK

You were a prostitute!

JENNIFER

And what would be wrong with that? (sound of an editing click)

JENNIFER

You married me so people wouldn't think that Mr. Hollywood Idol is Mr. Asexual! (sound of an editing click)

JENNIFER

Tomorrow night, if you win, I am going to announce that the "Sexiest Men Alive" is a eunuch!" (sound of an editing click)

(RICK punches DARRELL. Darrell screams bloody murder, in excess of the blow's damage.

JENNIFER glares at the recorder.)

JENNIFER

Technology!

(There's a loud knock on the door.)

RAMON

Mr. Lomax, what is going on in there?

RICK

It's Ramon! (to Luther): My regular security guard.

(RICK opens the door to find RAMON in his underwear.)

RICK

What the hell?

RAMON

(seeing Darrell)

That's the guy who drugged my coffee and stole my uniform!

RICK

He's a peeping Tom, a paparazzo! He took pictures and recordings of us here!

(RICK shows the soaked camera and recorder.

RAMON inspects the camera.)

RAMON

It still works.

(RAMON clicks the camera's Review button.)

RAMON

Dios, mio!

(RAMON keeps clicking.

RICK and JENNIFER grab the camera and gape at the pictures. LUTHER joins in.)

Rick, JENNIFER, LUTHER

(overlapping)

You pig, asshole, my Lord, Whoa, Jesus, etc.

JENNIFER

Hey, you were going to blackmail us!

(DARRELL bows his head.

RAMON handcuffs DARRELL.)

RAMON

Security guards are allowed to make a citizen's arrest. So sir, you're about to visit the police station.

RICK

Ramon, you might want to get your uniform back on first.

(RAMON strips DARRELL to his underwear and dons his uniform.

JENNIFER takes $100 from Rick's wallet and holds it out to RAMON.)

RAMON

Mr. Lomax?

(RICK smiles and nods. RAMON takes the tip and pulls DARRELL to the door.)

RICK & JENNIFER

Buh-bye.

Just before DARRELL and RAMON leave, DARRELL stops.

DARRELL

I am on one endless beige conveyer belt: Get up at 5:30, 10,000 steps on the treadmill, eat my oatmeal, fight traffic driving to the train station. Fight for a parking spot. Get sardined on the train. Get to my cubicle. Spend the next eight, sometimes ten hours staring at numbers so I can help some rich person screw the government, or business partner, or divorcing spouse. Get back on the train, back in the traffic. Ask my wife how her day was. Tell her how my day was. Eat my low-carb, low-calorie, low-taste dinner. Watch TV--unless I have to give whatever non-existent energy I have left staring at more numbers. Climb into bed and look at my wife for the ten-thousandth time, go to sleep, and repeat. And repeat--forever. Forever beige. Jennifer, watching you was, I dunno,...a shower of purple pixie dust that covered my beige life for a little while, so I could make myself go back to beige. Otherwise I might...Never mind. Jennifer, I know I'm bad. I'm very sorry.

(DARRELL trudges out. RAMON follows.

LUTHER closes the door.)

LUTHER

Richard, you're not a homosexual, are you?

RICK

Father, he took that out of context, I swear.

LUTHER

I believe you, son...Jennifer, there seems to be a whole lot I don't know about you.

JENNIFER

I didn't know quite a few things about you, Father Party- with-the-Parishioners.

LUTHER

Maybe we should all get to know each other, for real.

Might I ask for some of that Christian charity you were about to give that accountant?

(RICK hugs LUTHER. Luther reaches out to JENNIFER. She hesitates but finally hugs him.

LUTHER exits wistfully.

RICK reaches into his nightstand and surreptitiously removes the small blue pill. She doesn't see the pill.)

JENNIFER

What are you doing?

RICK

Nothing. Just have to go to the bathroom.

(RICK goes into the bathroom where he fills a glass with water, brings the pill to his mouth but can’t make himself take it. He tries again but again can’t muster the courage. He leaves the bathroom, pulls a Swiss Army knife from his suitcase and returns to the bathroom. He cuts the pill in half, puts half the pill in one hand, the glass of water in the other. He brings the half pill to his mouth and throws it in and immediately gulps down the water. He returns to bed to join JENNIFER under the covers.)

RICK

I’m curious: If I hadn’t told them about my low sex drive, would you have?

JENNIFER

Would you have told them if I hadn’t threatened to do it for you?

RICK

I’m not sure.

JENNIFER

I’m not sure.

(RICK kisses JENNIFER and she responds but restrains herself from being raucous. He responds more amorously than before.

Jennifer reaches down.)

JENNIFER

(quietly)

Well, what do we have here?

RICK

Quick, before I lose it!

[END OF SCENE}

SCENE 3

(RICK and JENNIFER are still under the covers and in the final stage of making love. She’s making pre-orgasm noises, trying to restrain herself; he is quiet. She has a 15-second noisy orgasm. Right after, he has an almost-quiet three-second one.

She giggles and they sit up, both of them smiling broadly. She wears the not-bawdy nightgown. He’s in his Night to Remember tee shirt.)

JENNIFER

(quietly, not lasciviously)

Well, that was quick improvement. If I want sex, all I need to do is praise you in front of a thousand of your colleagues and a few million on TV.

RICK

We said some pretty hurtful things.

JENNIFER

And dishonest ones.

RICK

I don't think I lied about any--

JENNIFER

I mean me. I was never a prostitute. I just said that to hurt you after you hurt me. A customer did once offer me $2,000 to go with him but I said no. After that, I tattooed my thigh with "the buck stops here" as a reminder to them and to me that, no matter how much I needed the money, I never wanted to cross that line.

RICK

You know, I might not love you any less if you did.

(JENNIFER hugs RICK intensely.)

RICK

People magazine should write our story.

JENNIFER

The story isn't over yet.

(JENNIFER gently kisses RICK...He is startled.)

JENNIFER

What’s wrong?

RICK

...I took a half a Viagra...and it worked.

JENNIFER

So that’s why it worked. Huh.

RICK

So I do have poor circulation.

(JENNIFER embraces RICK.)

RICK

I dunno. The Serenity Prayer tells you to accept what you can’t change. And doctors say you can’t really do much about poor circulation. But it’s not so easy to just think, “Oh well, so I die younger. I’ll just do what the gurus say and live in the moment, let the river run." But you're right. The therapists are wrong (mocking tone): "If you repress it; the fear will come out some other way." The more therapy I have, the more my fears, rational or not, hypochondriacal or not, are top-of-mind, and they'll torture me. I am going to stop therapy once and for all, and every time some unexplained pain scares me, I'll just force myself to say "stop"," and turn to something positive.

JENNIFER

Rick, you only needed a half. I hear many men need a whole, some even two...

RICK

You seem to uhh hear a lot.

JENNIFER

Hey, and maybe it worked just because I was less raunchy, maybe less intimidating.

RICK

May-be.

JENNIFER

And I hear there's a new approach to impotence they're developing in Israel that actually cures it. They use shockwaves to stimulate the growth of new blood vessels in the--

RICK

Maybe this is a good time to score the test.

(RICK brings the test to bed.)

RICK

Okay, what do you want to give our sex life?

JENNIFER

Most improved.

RICK

I’ll give it a "C" for now. Okay?

She nods.

RICK

(Cont'd)

All right, if I average everything together, including the kid thing---

JENNIFER

The kid thing is an F minus minus.

RICK

...How about if we have one and then reassess?

JENNIFER

...Then it's a--I’m in a grade-inflation mood--C...minus.

RICK

Passing grade; good enough. Okay. I’ll give it C-minus too. Now I’ll average them all up: in-bed, out-of-bed, respect, money, children, spirituality. Hmm: It looks like we both give the marriage about a B minus.

JENNIFER

Is that good enough?

(They look into each other’s eyes...and JENNIFER hugs RICK. He returns the hug.)

THE END

NOTE: At the end of the curtain call, the audience is invited to remain for a conversation with the actor(s,) director, and/or playwright.